She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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