??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
