I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
