i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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