Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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