Im at strip club and am horny
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
