No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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