I wanna passion pit in your ass
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
