i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
