I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
