His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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