I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
