Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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