apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Let's get the cat blown out
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
