I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
