i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
