I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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