Moan for me like Helen Keller
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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