What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
