I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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