Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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