he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
