I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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