He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
