Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
