Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I could make wine with my vomit
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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