You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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