So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Randomize
