yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
