i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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