woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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