her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
