remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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