I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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