Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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