i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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