I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
