i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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