I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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