I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
