I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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