Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
