dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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