Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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