So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
