I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
