My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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