It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
my liver is dry heaving
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
