Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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