Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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